Saturday, May 28, 2005
u know what? discard everything i've been saying. everything about how happy i am, or how i'm finding myself again. i just realise that im not. its been nothing more than a temporary relief, or even more like i've just been deluding myself. i know it sounds depressing. and it is, i feel as though i'm just headed for another... well not really another anything, but just falling again. as if i can sense the impending fall coming, if it hasnt already happened. sometimes your'e falling and you dont know it, there are these little 'lifelines' along the way that you cling to, or grasp faintly at, but they're nothing more than that, and they do nothing more than to slow your descent.
*sigh* i dont know whats going on anymore. its as if everything i've been working for and trying to achieving has not been working out for me. and im not talking about like army, or whatever. its about relationships, love, God, the intangibles. its as if i'm not cut out for any of this, that i'd just best be left alone in my room stoning about all day. something i find myself doing a lot when i'm not in camp. weekends used to be for me to get out of the house, go out, have fun, meet my friends again.. but its been happening less and less. its not about people having time, which sometimes i tell myself it is. its about this crazy lethargy that just saps you in.. i just cant be bothered anymore. but it feels so much like a 'i cant be bothered if you cant be bothered' feeling.. something i find myself getting bogged down by more and more often. im quite amazed that my sms bill can be so high actually, considering hardly anyone messages me.. well actually it makes sense. the one trying to initiate conversation or whatever will undoubtably incur the higher bill. sigh i dont even know what im talking about anymore.
i guess what im trying to say is.. life is really stupid. a part of me knows that this feeling is only temporary, that i'll just get out of this rut and things will go back to normal. but another part of me screams 'normal sucks, why be normal when u can 'anticipate' it and be depressed'. true, saves me the trouble of having ups and downs, removes the feeling that i'm just being played with, that life is just throwing me about for the fun of it. all this said and done, its still hard to reconcile my faith. how can i say that i have faith in God when this is how i feel? abandoned and lost. not by God, but by those around me, by those i consider close to me. who do i even consider close? hard to tell. infact sometimes i dont think there are any. it should be enough for me, knowing that God is always with me. but in this earth nothing is ever so simple, and i am human afterall, and i have feelings after all, perhaps more so than the normal guy. i admit im sensitive, and somehow, someway, its that oversensitivity that keeps me going in life. i dont know how it all works out, how it'll all play out in the end. but when you live with the knowledge that someday it'll all work out, that you'll just look but with nostalgia and say 'how silly i was then' and laugh about it, thats when its all worth it.
and what the hell am i talking about now? i dont know. but the pictures on the left remind me of how hard i've worked, of all the effort i've put into relationships. and i know that i have to perservere. haha sounds like i'm trying v hard to convince myself here. which i think i actually do very often on my blog, its become kinda like a place for me to reassure myself, even if it is just empty words and promises, because somehow it still comforts me, knowing that i have the presence of mind to 'analyse' and reflect upon myself.
there are just some days that i cant do it. today is one of those.
or so it seems, at 6:45 PM
Friday, May 27, 2005
Your Seduction Style: The Natural |
You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast. |
or so it seems, at 2:36 AM
Monday, May 23, 2005
for once i actually find myself with so much to say. and not just mindless ramblings or empty words, words which just flow but yet somehow lack concreteness and maybe even sincerity. i used to believe that the spontaneity and 'instantness' of my nonstop typing would be the most sincere and truthful heart-poured out words, but then i realise tt... the only times tt really happened would be when i was at my very lowest, when everything seemed at a lost and all i had was myself and my little bit of faith, the faith that somehow, someway, things would turn out alright. and it was always in those low moments that i learnt so much about myself, had like these 'enlightening' moments of 'revelation' or whatever lah. haha sigh the mood is so gone. tts what happens when u try to blog in between episodes of o.c. with dinner added to the mix.
i wonder why ppl wanna read my blog. i clearly doubt its entertaining... do you ever read past the first line? shout 'heyo!' if you do. haha omg see how lame i've become. anyway gonna watch finish the o.c and see if i can get my mood back. i can feel it kinda seeping back in... ahh the wonders of television.
*sigh* i'll never understand why many ppl never realise certains things until its too late. i'll never understand why i dont. we never learn do we. do our answers lie in the past? or in the future? or perhaps, maybe sometimes even both. but if your answers lie in the future.. isnt that abit too late. many things happen that we end up regretting, end up saying 'why didnt i do it this way' or 'why did i do it' or 'why did i turn out this way'. it makes me wonder, just how much control do we have over our lives. are we just pawns, actors and actresses playing out their roles as scripted in the whole scheme of life. i'd like to think not. my faith tells me its not. but in certain aspects, isnt tt exactly how it seems? its difficult to drawn the line between the difference of things turning out the way they should, and things turning out because they should. tts where the question of faith comes in, the way i see it. for me, faith is knowing that even though the world seems to be against you, and everything you do doesnt work out the way you want it to, you still know that in the end, everything had a reason. it occured for a purpose, and indeed its not so much what happens, but how you deal and react with it. thats what makes life so challenging... so difficult at times, and yet so amazing at others. and the only way to get through life is with faith. faith that as long as God is with me, i am alright. and i am blessed, and loved.
and there might be many times that this seems so distant, that His love might seem miles away. but its always with us, even when we fail to see it, and thats what keeps us going. in order to truly feel His love you have to submit to it, you have to acknowledge that 'hey, God is with me all the time, in everything i do, through everything i go through'. and well despite all this, there will definitely be times when you just feel so low, so lost, so disillusioned, so alone. and perhaps thats where my blog fits in... at least, on a personally level, it shows myself where i am, and how my life is turning out to be. and well, a little catharsis never hurt. and perhaps maybe others will be able to well, reflect and see a little more of themselves through reading my blog. kinda like a 'universal mirror' of sorts. haha lofty expectations of a small personal diary of sorts.
gotta end another post abruptly... blogged too late, army beckons... with 5k run tmrw. my lack of sleep over the past two days will surely come back to haunt me ugh. any old how... just a short update for those interested. heh life in camp is going on well... got best trainee!! :D haha was really disappointed at first when i thought i was in second place.. like, you worked so hard and still didnt achieve your goal. but when you realise tt well, hey everyone works hard. it kinda made me feel better. was still a shock though, expected to get second heh. but more so than just that, camp life has started to settle.. being no more a trainee is great =) expect to be relatively free this week, with battalion chalet and all. oh well, will blog more upon my return... 'return of the josh'. haha okae okae v lame. but the movie was quite good, lots of 'poster' moments heh. abit soapy though.. haha i make a lousy critic. and as you can see my blog has shifted mood again... so i shall bid thee adieu. till we meet again! (getting lamer and lamer sigh)
or so it seems, at 7:19 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2005
i feel soooo refreshed =) life is good.
and look at my blog now! haha okae was wanting to make a new layout... but then i got lazy, and so i improvised and just stuffed the layout with pictures... i think it makes my blog look v cluttered now... but i'll fix it another day =p its getting close to book in PLUS i have to eat dinner/pack... and finish this post so... bear with me =p heh.
my course is more or less over now.. just navigation exercise tmrw... then off to battery line... where the remainder of my army life will be spent (including reservist). kinda confirmed tt im going to my 2nd choice battery... and also tt im going to thailand in late jun :s i guess i have no choice in the matter... haha okae i dont, no need to guess. just gotta make the best of it =)
ystd was a busy day! sandwiched between to siansianrest days... ashypooo!! and dawny dawn dawn! come back soon... i miss you :( wheres my hvsg! (holland village supper gang) sigh with howard and jon in army.. blehblehbleh. everyone's gone... and i STILL find it weird that its the army guys who somehow seem to be the free-est :S
but back to ystd... hung out at ben's house awhile.. heh must do this more often! spent a shortwhile only though.. then went to new creation with jac again... which, as always, was just amazing :) i think i've found myself where i belong... a family of believers worshipping and glorifying God.. and i feel at home again. and after tt i zipped down to barker road methodist for some youth mountain thing (monthly youth service) which was enriching too, quite a fufilling day infact =) and saw alvin's pose in the newspaper... hahaha check it out! he's in the SMU ad, where they get students to jump up and pose hehehe. so cooool sia, mafia boss ;)
hrm time for dinner.. will post more after tt! if i have time :p if not then... see everyone next week! LONG WEEKEND YEAH BABY! hope i dont have duty.. :s
or so it seems, at 6:34 PM
Sunday, May 08, 2005
sometimes i wonder whether the coldness i feel is brought about by the weather. i mean, duh i feel cold when it rains and the wind is chilly.. but like, how important is weather on a persons mood? maybe more than i ever expected it to be. maybe more. either way... its gonna be a cold night in camp.
i just have this feeling that my blog has lost all purpose and direction.. but perhaps tts a reflection of my state of mind, of the chaotic scenes enacting themselves in my mind. theres just so much for me to consider, or at least, so much for my mind to think about, no matter whats happening in my life. its as if i just have to have something to worry about, think about, ponder about. be it army... church.. my relationships.. anything, everything. nothing. and somehow despite everything... i feel as though im just making life tougher for myself.
anyway! despite all of that rambling/ranting whatever... heh had a good weekend, and quite a good week i guess. things seem to be like.. moving much more smoothly than i expected =) after like a havoc weekend last weekend when i slept little, played a lot of soccer and went out a lot heh, had a more 'relaxing' weekend... only spent saturday out heh. which was real real good, went for campus with jac, which was amazing (i miss fellowship so much!). it feels so great to be back in the presence of God with others, praising and worshipping His holy name. its just something that i've been missing so much in my life, and never really realised it until recently. and i feel so refreshed once more, ready to tackle the week ahead =) after tt saw kingdom of heaven.. which is really quite a good movie! (at least to my tastes heh) and gave me quite a bit to think about too.. not to mention quite pleased that movies at cine still cost 8.50 :) plus its fun to hang out with the guys again.. albeit we didnt hang out.. haha i was late, nearly missed the movie :p but like each weekend we spend together reminds me of the times we had in sec sch, which were incredibly fun heh. so... yep! been a good weekend heh. gotta brace myself for the week ahead, with the possibility of confinement if i flunk my test (of which the passing grade might not be 50 but 60 :S) plus the last exercise of my course! yes my course is ending woohoo! have some decisions to make i guess... not that it might affect where i go, but at least i'd feel confident that i tried my best to end up where i want to go :p
anyhow... it used to be that i looked forward to the weekends as the time to see my friends and just have fun... but now its more than that. i look forward to the weekends as a time for me to worship and praise God, to have fellowship :) and even as i undertake this... commitment to return back into His presence, so to speak (not that He's ever left me).. i know that i wont be alone :) and that keeps me strong! i never knew how powerful fellowship could be.. and i'm experiencing that right now :)
im soooo blessed.. =)
or so it seems, at 8:31 PM
Monday, May 02, 2005
ahhh... i love nostalgic moments. even though they can be so bittersweet sometimes, they never fail to make me feel... well. i dont know whats the word to use. just feel so.. nostalgic. haha. you know what i mean, its just tt amazing feeling where you know that you've lived, and that you've lived well. and at the same time, well at least for me, it gives me hope that.. my life is going somewhere, and that i'm not wasting my time on this earth. =)
i always have so much to say and blog when im not around my comp, but once i get back and sit down and actually get to it, i seem to lose everything. oh well. theres still stuff to say nonetheless. like how the weather has been horrible -_- i've had heat rash for like a week already, its still not healing tt fast... maybe cos i've played soccer twice in the hot sun over the weekend heh. but its still incredibly stuffy and warm :s whats with this horrid weather! and to think tt it was like the rainy season.. sigh. actually i guess the weather wouldnt be so bad... except for the no.4 that we have to wear. urgh.
i know sometimes i sound so on and garang about army... but i think its just my way of helping me cope with it. it is really quite fun sometimes, and i know that at least i'm doing something with my time instead of just slacking at home infront of the pc all day.. but there are times when i just cant wait for it to be all over. i still feel as though its a waste of time, no matter how hyped or positive i want to be about it. its real fun to like, talk about it and relate with guys you know about army, and i dunno but for me, i just need to talk and hear about it, week in week out. i know tt ppl on the outside are like 'ugh army again army again' but i think its... necessary =p like some form of catharsis at the very least.. sigh. haha see what it does to us! we even need catharsis! ARGH! sorry i just get this way every book in night. just imagine... 1 and a half years more of this. blaeatghrh.
sometimes i feel sick of girls. haha not to be gay or anything, but its like, argh! its like, im such a brotherhood kinda guy heh. i guess maybe tts why like, i can still find army fun in camp. do you ever just feel like, girls will never ever understand? *sigh* girls cause me a lot of worry, anxiety, stress, etc.etc. sometimes i feel i'll be single forever. blaah.
haha okae starting to get very whiny even though im not.. so! think i'll just end of here... have to study for tests.. sigh. to fail is to confine. haha what a horrible phrase.
till next week! when i'll get to see all of you again... =) i'll be waiting for the weekend... then again, i can't wait.. sigh :(
or so it seems, at 6:39 PM
